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George Floyd: Three generations of an African-American family on what needs to change

George Floyd: Three generations of an African-American family on what needs to change

Family together

Image caption

(From left to right) Jasmaine and Raymon Curry, Sherondia Morgan, with the family’s youngest son Princeton Holmes

The death of George Floyd, an unarmed black man in police custody, has sparked over a thousand protests across the US. Here’s what one African-American family has to say about movements past – and moving forward.

Video showing Floyd struggling to breathe as a white police officer knelt on his neck swiftly led to nationwide outrage and in the weeks since, there have been demonstrations in all 50 US states.

These protests form part of a long history of uprisings against racial injustice in America.

But what needs to be done differently now?

That was the question posed to 16-year-old Raymon Curry during a protest in Charlotte, North Carolina, in a video that went viral this month.

Media playback is unsupported on your device

Media captionActivist explains plea for peaceful protests

In the clip, activist Curtis Hayes Jr, 31, pulls Raymon from the crowd and tells him that they need to “find a better way” to express their pain over the killings of African-Americans.

We asked Raymon, along with his mother, 33-year-old Jasmaine, and his grandmother, Sherondia, aged 58, to share what they believe the country needs to change in order to move forward.

‘We need action’

Sherondia was born in New York City in the early 1960s. While she’s enraged by what’s happening, she says she’s proud of the diversity of people turning out to protest compared to when she was younger.

“I’ve seen not only black people but white people, different races of people protesting. And what really encouraged me was when I saw protests going on all over the world.

“I was very young when the civil rights movement began back in the 60s. My mother told me stories and I saw pictures. When I look back at the movement I say, ‘How did they survive when water hoses were thrown at them, dogs sent on them?'”

The protests over the death of George Floyd have seen the tearing down of Confederate statues and monuments connected to slavery and colonialism.

But Sherondia thinks this isn’t enough.

“Today we need more than just Confederate statues coming down. We need open dialogue, we need people coming together and breaking down barriers and socioeconomic injustices going on in this country. We don’t just need a word, we need action.”

She says what’s kept her going through the years has been her faith.

“Racism has always existed. It’s something that I think black people have learned to live with. But even though it’s uncomfortable, we have found the strength. The strength of the church, the strength of believing that there is absolutely a God. So our strength came from that faith.”

‘We gave so many chances for this to be corrected’

Sherondia’s daughter, Jasmaine, was born in 1987. She says one of her most vivid memories is of watching the Million Man March, a gathering of African-American men in Washington DC in 1995.

“I remember black men coming together, and they were interrupted by officials. I was young and learning about Rodney King, things of that nature. I remember looking at Ebony Magazine and reading so early – when I was in first grade [aged six or seven] – about Emmett Till and seeing his picture.

“So the problem goes back to my time and even to my mom’s time. My grandmother told me stories about going to black-only bathrooms. In my era, in the 80s, I didn’t sit and watch Martin Luther King like my grandmother but I heard that same message. That message has now moved to a new generation.

“I’m fed up. Even if I’m peaceful and speak the truth, someone else is going to tell me, ‘You weren’t enslaved’. But my ancestors were. So actions speak louder than words, and if it takes burning down something, it’s unfortunate but we gave so many chances for this to be corrected.”

On the day that Raymon was filmed in the now-viral exchange, he didn’t tell his mother that he was going out to protest.

“I gave him permission to go and play with his friend,” Jasmaine recalls.

“So to find out the next day that he went to the protest, my main concern as a mother was for his safety. There was one point we were telling our kids to stay away from strangers, gangs, violent people, but it’s reverted to me telling him to stay away from the police.”

‘Peace by any means necessary’

Raymon, one of two boys, has grown up listening to his mother and grandmother tell him about racial injustice, and remembers watching news of the deaths of black Americans.

“I see [previous protest movements] as something we’ve got to learn from,” he says.

“We want to be equal, to all be heard and to have a voice. I know what my mom and grandma saw growing up and it’s still continuing. Now it’s my turn to be the leader of my generation.”

So how does he think protests should change from previous generations?

“By this time, peace shouldn’t be an option. We should get our voices heard and get this peace by any means necessary. How many times do we have to be peaceful before we get our justice? I’m trying every day to think of ways. It’s something I shouldn’t have to deal with at this age.”

“I’m not a violent or hateful person, but tearing down statues is what’s getting attention. Now we’re finally having our voices heard. We were part of the slavery system and the statues represent that.”

More on the George Floyd protests

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Media captionWATCH: One family, two generations of protest

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Tom Petty’s family demands Trump stop using Petty’s music for the best reasons

Tom Petty’s family demands Trump stop using Petty’s music for the best reasons

Tom Petty's family said back down, Trump.
Tom Petty’s family said back down, Trump.

Image: Kirk West/Getty Images

By Jess Joho2020-06-21 19: 17: 14 UTC

The punches from the Trump Tulsa rally just keep coming in. This time, it’s from the family of the late Tom Petty demanding that the president back down from using Petty’s song “I Won’t Back Down.”

Those at the rally would’ve heard the song’s intended message of defiance playing to a less than packed arena. The Tom Petty estate responded with a cease and desist letter followed by a statement on Twitter signed by Petty’s daughters and widows Adria, Annakim, Dana, and Jane. 

The reason they give for why he has no right to play Petty’s music is pitch-perfect, too.

“Trump was in no way authorized to use this song to further a campaign that leaves too many Americans and common sense behind,” it reads. “Both the late Tom Petty and his family firmly stand against racism and discrimination of any kind. Tom Petty would never want a song of his used for a campaign of hate. He liked to bring people together.”

This isn’t even the first time Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” has been a matter of legal dispute for a U.S. Republican president. When he was still alive during the 2000 presidential race, Petty himself demanded George W. Bush stop using the same song for his campaign events with a cease and desist.

The estate’s statement to the Trump campaign made it clear that his use of the song went against all of Petty’s original intentions for it.

“Tom wrote this song for the underdog, for the common man and for EVERYONE,” it says. “We believe in America and we believe in democracy. But Donald Trump is not representing the noble ideals of either. We would hate for fans that are marginalized by this administration to think we were complicit in this usage.”

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How to Make It Through Father’s Day If It’s Difficult for You

How to Make It Through Father’s Day If It’s Difficult for You

Illustration for article titled How to Make It Through Fathers Day If Its Difficult for You

Photo: Shutterstock

Like Mother’s Day—or most holidays, really—Father’s Day can be polarizing. For some, it’s a fun excuse to get the family together (well, maybe not this year) to have a barbecue and shower Dad with gifts. But for others, it triggers upsetting memories. If you fall into that second category, getting through the third Sunday in June can be tough. We spoke to several mental health professionals to better understand why this day can be so difficult, and to get tips for making it through—whether you’ll be alone or with family on Sunday.

Why is Father’s Day difficult for some people?

There are plenty of reasons why Father’s Day is a day some people dread, or at least find challenging. Whether someone’s dad is deceased, estranged, absent, or not the ideal father, it can be hard for the children (even if/when they’re adults), as well as the fathers themselves (more on that in a bit). Oh, and also, we’re still in a global pandemic, and even for people who have a wonderful relationship with their father, this year might be hard if they can’t spend the day together.

For those who find Father’s Day hard, it can elicit disparate emotions ranging from sadness to anger to disappointment. “While some experience anticipatory anxiety about this day due to recent loss, others have complicated relationships with or are completely estranged from their fathers, and may struggle with how to process the symbolism of this day,” Dr. Leela R. Magavi, a psychiatrist and regional medical director with Community Psychiatry tells Lifehacker. “Meanwhile, fathers who have lost their children or do not see them often for a variety of reasons may grieve in their own way. Some individuals are unable to become parents or adopt, and may experience a sense of emptiness or loneliness.”

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When the holiday takes the form of grief, it becomes a reminder of a relationship that someone doesn’t have, rather than one that they do, according to Litsa Williams, a grief therapist and licensed clinical social worker. “Of course, this is true for children who have lost fathers and fathers who have lost children, but also the partners, friends and parents of fathers who have died,” she tells Lifehacker. “It is difficult for those who have lost fathers or children due to estrangement, incarceration, foster care and relocation.”

And then there are other ways that Father’s Day can sneak up on you emotionally. First of all, as Dr. Rebecca Gernon, a family physician and the medical director of Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Kansas City points out, we all have strong feelings about our parents and their role in our lives. When we find out that they’re not infallible, it can be a disappointing lesson to learn at any age. On top of that, if your parents’ marriage ultimately dissolved, sometimes Father’s Day brings us unresolved feelings about the separation or divorce, she adds.

It’s also important to keep in mind that the role of fathers has changed in recent years, expanding to include duties like changing diapers, and attending parent-teacher conferences and doctor appointments, that were traditionally jobs for the mother. “Many adults—whose fathers were in their lives—will remember a father who was less present than their mother; a father who may have been stuck in a traditional role, who felt he missed out on parenting joys and experiences; a father who had difficulty expressing feelings,” Gernon explains. “[Some] adults may look back at the father they knew in childhood and wish they knew him better, had more time with him [or] that he could have experienced more of parenthood or expressed feelings more freely.” So even in cases where someone’s father was present growing up and they had a decent relationship, the holiday can still stir up feelings.

And though people (rightfully) think about Father’s Day being difficult for children and adult children of deceased, estranged or absentee dads, Aisha R. Shabazz, a licensed clinical social worker, therapist and clinical supervisor, says that we should consider the other side, too. Specifically, “the shame and sadness that could potentially come along with ‘everyone’ else receiving gifts, lunches, dinners and acknowledgements, while others are getting nothing because their child is deceased or estranged from them,” she tells Lifehacker. “You receive the title of ‘father’ because you have children and yet, if your children are not present, you feel as though you cease to exist. It’s very isolating.”

Now let’s talk about how to get through the day.

Tips for coping with Father’s Day

Let’s start with tips specifically for dads who are struggling:

For fathers of a deceased child

If you’re part of this category, Shabazz encourages you to honor the time you had with your child by creating a new or upholding a tradition as a way of memorializing their father-child relationship. “Do something that you used to love doing together—a favorite movie, snack, meal, hobby, etc.,” she adds. Also, Williams suggests that they may want to connect with other grieving fathers through support groups like The Compassionate Friends.

For fathers who are estranged from their children

Regardless of who caused the estrangement, Shabazz says that it might be appropriate to reach out again one day. But without doing some personal development work first, you might repeat the same behavior patterns that made the relationship deteriorate in the first place. “Try engaging in support groups or therapy, reading books or listening to podcasts that focus on rebuilding relationships and communication,” she advises.

For people who never became fathers (but may have wanted to)

For those in this group, it can be very easy to play the “what-if” game, Shabazz says—but try to avoid it if you can. “It’s not productive and it won’t help resolve your present concern,” she explains. “Consider the qualities that a father has, and determine which of those qualities you possess. You’ll soon realize that although you may feel incomplete, you have some of the components of a father. Then consider how you can show up for others as a father-figure.”

And now, some general strategies that could be useful for anyone triggered by the day:

Allow yourself to grieve and/or feel sad

If you’re not feeling Father’s Day, it’s perfectly acceptable to give yourself the time and space to grieve. “Communicate to others in your life that Father’s Day is tough for you and let them know what they can do to help,” Williams says. And yes—that means everyone. “Men are socialized to not show a wide range of emotion, as well as not talk about their feelings,” Shabazz says. “If you’re a man that fits into this category, consider expressing yourself in a different way by tapping into your creativity. Create something that speaks for you, and over time you’ll gain the security and confidence you need to say what’s on your mind.”

Try to avoid social media if it’s a trigger for you

For those who struggle during holidays, social media can be pretty brutal. Even if your plan is to avoid it all day, there’s always the chance that, out of habit, you’ll pick up your phone and start scrolling through your Instagram feed without even realizing it. “On Father’s Day, social media is typically filled with posts, pictures, and videos of people with their fathers or posting about their fathers,” Dr. Brian Wind, a clinical psychologist and chief clinical executive at JourneyPure tells Lifehacker. “This serves as a constant reminder to those who have complicated relationships with their fathers about all of the things they are missing out on.”

But if reminiscing is comforting, do it

Not everyone falls into the “social-media-is-triggering” category. Others find comfort in looking at old photos or watching home videos of their dad. “Even though Father’s Day might reopen old scars, turning it into a celebration of life can help bring some joy back into the holiday,” Wind says. “However, if you have recently lost your father or haven’t dealt with your grief before, this could be painful to do—especially alone. If needed, seek help from a therapist to help process your grief.”

Don’t compare your relationship with your father to others’

As humans, it’s always tempting to compare ourselves to other people, but when it comes to doing that with your relationship with your dad, Wind suggests avoiding it. “Instead, you can take time to celebrate the relationships that you do have in your life because those can be celebrated on any day of the year,” he says. Along the same time, don’t go into the day with high expectations based on the sentiments found in greeting cards, Michael Gaziano, a licensed clinical social worker and clinical program manager and therapist at Sierra Tucson tells Lifehacker. “Relationships are complicated, and one of the best ways that you can help unravel them is to focus on what you have control over and the thoughts and feelings that you can work on for your own self care.”

Know that you’re not alone

Even if it seems like you’re the only person with mixed—or outright negative—feelings about Father’s Day, you’re definitely not. Wind says that it’s not always easy to deal with emotions like anger, sadness, loneliness and frustration, and thanks to COVID-19, these emotions might hit even harder than usual. But keep in mind that there are plenty of others out there struggling on that day.

Make plans in advance

If you know Father’s Day isn’t your thing, try to make plans in advance. Yes, that’s especially hard this year, but even doing a virtual visit or taking a masked-and-socially-distanced walk with a friend could help. “If you’re struggling, one of the best things you can do is surround yourself with people that you love,” Wind says. “If you don’t feel safe meeting up with friends or family, make an extra effort to reach out to them and express your feelings. Simply talking through your emotions can help relieve the weight that they hold over you.”

Talk it out with a friend or family member

Even if you didn’t make plans ahead of time, if you’re having a hard time on Sunday, Dr. David Finkelstein, a psychiatrist with Community Psychiatry, recommends reaching out to someone for support—“especially someone who may uniquely understand your feelings or has dealt with something similar.”

Avoid (or take a break from) family if you need to

If spending time with your extended family (i.e. those you don’t live with) is stressful for you, then at least you can thank the pandemic for putting the kibosh on this year’s festivities. But that only (ideally) prevents in-person gatherings: there may still be Zoom family reunions, or phone calls that you’re expected to make. If there are certain IRL or virtual get-togethers you absolutely cannot avoid, Natalie Buchwald, a therapist, as well as the founder and clinical director of Manhattan Mental Health Counseling suggests getting as much time alone prior to and during the event as possible.

“Use this time to meditate, calm yourself and make notes of what emotions are stirred in you,” she tells Lifehacker. “Don’t suppress your emotions. These are insights to be understood. Instead of taking your emotions out on others, go cool down by going to another room or going on a short walk. If you need to address something to a family member, say it assertively but from a calm place. This will increase the likelihood that this would lead to a constructive discussion rather than a shooting match.

Focus on appreciation

Dr. Scott Guerin, a developmental psychologist and adjunct professor in psychology at Kean University lost his father last week—41 days after his mother passed away—both from COVID-19. Right now, he’s focusing on how to cope with the day, and has found that one strategy is working: appreciation. “When word got out about my dad many of my friends sent their condolences,” he tells Lifehacker. “Several conveyed stories about how he helped them…As of right now, each day, my feelings of loss are being overrun by feelings of love and appreciation.” Another take on appreciation—but for those who never knew their fathers or are estranged from them—involves composing a gratitude list inclusive of all the individuals who have served as father figures throughout their life, Magvi says.

Create new traditions

If your family’s usual Father’s Day celebration is hard for you to get through, take the opportunity to use this year as a “reset.” Gaziano suggests creating new traditions for yourself and/or your family by redefining the day. This will put you (somewhat) more in control of the holiday. And if your new tradition is ignoring the day completely because that’s what’s best for you, that’s fine too.

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How to Choose a Movie to Watch Without a Family Fight

How to Choose a Movie to Watch Without a Family Fight

Illustration for article titled How to Choose a Movie to Watch Without a Family Fight

Photo: Shutterstock

When it comes to entertainment options in Quarantine Times, my wife and I are spoiled for choice. We don’t have cable, but we do subscribe to (or have access to passwords for) Netflix, Hulu, Prime Video, Disney+, HBO Max and the Criterion Channel, not to mention the

abundance of

free streaming services. So… why can’t we choose a goddam movie?

Since lockdown began—but actually, since our relationship began—we’ve spent more time arguing over what movie we want to watch than actually watching movies. Half the time we end up in a low-key fight over the other person’s indifferent mood or terrible taste before we’ve picked anything; the other half of the time, it’s too late to watch anything by that point anyway. You’ll notice this adds up to 100% percent of the time, and that’s only a slight exaggeration—but I’ve finally found a solution for our choice paralysis.

It comes via the cinematic power couple of Karina Longworth, creator of the essential film history podcast You Must Remember This, and her husband Rian Johnson, director of Star Wars: The Last Jedi and Knives Out (the latter being a film my wife and I did manage to agree to watch; she didn’t like it). It turns out even famous directors and film historians can’t agree on what to watch, but Longworth figured out a solution, as revealed on the third episode of her other movie podcast, the quarantine-themed The Pictures That Got Small.

“[Rian Johnson] and I had got into a situation of just passive aggressively being like ‘You choose what we watch, no you choose what we watch.’ And so I created an innovation in our household: I basically made a list of every movie I could think about that we had talked about, ‘Oh, we should watch that sometime,’ plus some deep cuts of directors I’m trying to get to know better, plus some Criterion Blu-rays we had lying around. We put it in an app that can randomize any list. And so, every night that we’re going to watch something, we press the random button and it tells us what we’re going to watch.”

Longworth and Johnson have dubbed their solution the Randomizer. To maintain and randomize their list, they use the Random app, which is dubbed as the “All Things Generator.” It’s a great—free!—option that can store and mix up any list and choose one item on it at random; you can also use it to flip a coin, generate a random number, roll a die and more. It’s only available for iOS, however, but you can jury-rig the same results with a Google Docs spreadsheet and any random number generator (for ease of use, I like the one at Random.org).

There are other movie-selection schemes built on random chance. In our Slack, Lifehacker tech editor David Murphy recommended Netflix Roulette, which will choose a movie for you at random from the entire Netflix library (and if you create an account, HBO, Prime Video, Hulu and “50+ others”). Even though you can narrow down your pool of potential choices by genre and Rotten Tomatoes score, this solution is just a bit too wild west for me. (I mean, what if it tried to make me watch Wild Wild West?)

I prefer the self-curation element of the Randomizer. My wife and I are constantly discussing movies we might like to watch someday, but never in one place; we have options spread across Alexa lists, multiple streaming service watch queues, random texts and ancient emails, and yet for some reason every time we fire up the Roku, we can’t think of anything we’re remotely interested in. Using the Randomizer model, we’ll not only have all of our options in one place, but the hard part—the choosing part—is out of our hands.

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Now, this is a solution that requires both setup—it’s going to take a while to assemble your what-to-watch list, and you’ll likely be curating it constantly as streaming services add and drop films—and buy-in—everyone subject to the Randomizer must agree to abide by the rules of the Randomizer. If you just wind up hitting the “random” button again if you don’t like what you’re given, you may as well go back to the Netflix “Browse Endlessly” plan.

If that’s too rigid for the health of your relationships with your co-watchers, consider implementing some house rules. Perhaps you can sort your lists by genre (so you don’t end up watching a horror film on Valentine’s Day) or give each person one veto per viewing session—whatever you have to do to keep the peace and finally just watch a fucking movie.

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Verizon has new student discounts on unlimited plans for college students

Verizon has new student discounts on unlimited plans for college students

Verizon has a new student discount offer for college students, offering a $10-per-month discount on a single line or $25-per-month discount on two lines for subscribers to its various unlimited plans. The new offer will be available starting on July 2nd.

As of last August, Verizon offers four different “unlimited” plans that all offer a variety of perks, features, and limitations. Prices start at $70 per month for a single line for the entry-level “Start Unlimited” plan and go up to $90 per month for a single line on the most expensive “Get More Unlimited” plan. So saving $10 or $25 a month on your bill could be a significant savings.

There are a few caveats, of course. To get a student discount, the student in question has to be the account owner or manager. (You can’t just show your student documentation and cut a few dollars off your family plan.) Only one discount can be applied per account, even if both members are enrolled, and it’s only valid for customers with a maximum of two phone lines (meaning you can’t just put your college-aged student in charge of your larger family plan, either).

The deal is valid for up to four years, although students will have to provide annual documentation proving that they’re an actively enrolled undergraduate, graduate, or post-graduate college student.

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Samsung’s Galaxy A71 5G comes to the US on June 19th for $600

Samsung’s Galaxy A71 5G comes to the US on June 19th for $600

Don’t despair if you want a new Samsung phone somewhere between the cheap-but-cheerful Galaxy A51 and the more powerful Galaxy S20 family — relief will soon be at hand. Samsung has announced that the Galaxy A71 5G will be available to buy in the US through T-Mobile, Sprint and Samsung itself on June 19th for $600. It’ll also be available later in the summer in AT&T, Verizon (Engadget’s parent company) and unlocked variants. In some ways, this could be one of Samsung’s hotter phones by providing a significant performance boost over the A51 without venturing into premium territory.

The most obvious improvement over the A51 is the addition of 5G data where it’s available (which is many places for T-Mobile). However, you’ll also get a slightly larger 6.7-inch 1080p display and a 64-megapixel f/1.8 main camera instead of the 48MP f/2.0 cam. This may be the better pick if you’re a shutterbug. You’ll also get 6GB of RAM, 128GB of expandable storage, the A51’s secondary cameras and a sizeable 4,500mAh battery, although it remains to be seen how that power pack translates to real-world use.

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Dropbox introduces slew of new features for business and home users

Dropbox introduces slew of new features for business and home users

TechCrunch is part of Verizon Media. Click ‘I agree‘ to allow Verizon Media and our partners to use cookies and similar technologies to access your device and use your data (including location) to understand your interests, and provide and measure personalised ads. We will also provide you with personalised ads on partner products.
Learn more about how we use your data in our Privacy Centre. Once you confirm your privacy choices here, you can make changes at any time by visiting your Privacy Dashboard.

Click ‘Learn More‘ to learn and customise how Verizon Media and our partners collect and use data.

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This ‘Addams Family’ mansion model is monstrously magnificent

This ‘Addams Family’ mansion model is monstrously magnificent

It’s creepy and it’s kooky. Also kind of spooky.

What a faithful, phenomenal, and painstakingly detailed re-creation this is of the Addams Family Mansion, created by Kelly Little-Kuehnert of K&K Custom Miniature Creations.

All of the photos are hers.

Very Smol Addams Family Mansion

Freaky 1980s Leonard Cohen TV performance

Leonard Cohen performs “First We Take Manhattan” on Sweden’s Kulturen TV program in June 1988. It’s perfectly bizarro 1980s while also being so very Cohen. Below, Cohen’s interview on the same program: (via r/ObscureMedia)

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Watch Leonard Nimoy’s 1983 TV documentary about Mr. Spock and Star Trek

In 1984, Leonard Nimoy produced and starred in “Star Trek Memories,” a TV special in which he reminisces about Star Trek: The Original Series and the first two Star Trek movies, and teases the forthcoming Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984). Never one to be outdone, Captain Kirk released “William Shatner’s Star Trek […]

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Watch a documentary about Batman’s Batmobile through the ages

From the stately and elegant Batmobile Cadillac seen in the 1943 movie serials to the latest militaristic models, this is the on-screen history of Batman’s Batmobile. Of course the true high point was the 1955 Lincoln Futura tricked out by George Barris for the 1960s TV series.

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Go back to high school with these classes on anatomy and physiology

If you’re looking to launch a new career, you’ll often see us present education course packages that will help you become a web developer or a project manager or a graphic designer. While they’re all very respectable career options, those professions don’t present the same hands-on satisfaction or visceral sense of accomplishment that comes from […]

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The Marshall Mode EQ earphones are everything you’d expect from the Marshall name

When you hear the brand name Marshall, any music fan instantly conjures a single image: a classic Marshall stack. The amp has been synonymous with live performance since the 60s, with music artists of every stripe lining their stage sets with these thunderous cabinets.  Even when you close your eyes, you can see them. The […]

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Get a fully refurbished and certified Dell desktop computer at a huge savings

We’re a latest and greatest kind of culture. We want the newest, shiniest, fastest piece of tech in existence — and many are willing to pay top dollar for the privilege of saying no one owns one better.  The reality is that life at the tech pinnacle is incredibly fleeting. Within months, sometimes weeks, even […]

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From Damascus to Berlin: A Reuters journalist’s quest for family reunion

From Damascus to Berlin: A Reuters journalist’s quest for family reunion

BERLIN (Reuters) – It was still dark in Damascus as I walked down the stairs, my new life contained in a red suitcase. My mother stood next to the taxi door praying for my safety. My father was silent, certain that he would never see me again.

Ghada Zitouni and Isam Alkousaa pose for a picture near a cafe in the historic quarter of Spandauer Vorstadt in central Berlin, Germany, December 7, 2019. Picture taken December 7, 2019. REUTERS/ Riham Alkousaa

I lowered the taxi window and waved to my parents until they disappeared, grieving over the separation but at the same time grateful to my exhausted old city, which had finally let me go.

I had become one of the 700,000 refugees who have fled Syria and its war without end to Germany, which offered shelter under a grey but generous sky.

Since that morning in September 2014, I’ve told many stories of refugees’ attempts to make Germany more like a home by reuniting with their families here. As a journalist covering the biggest refugee crisis of the 21st century, I’ve reported about the waiting, the loneliness, the maze of the paperwork that torments the family reunification process.

This time, I am telling my story.

A year after I left Syria for Germany at age 23, my parents and I tried in vain to meet in Lebanon, Algeria, Sudan, Iran and Malaysia – some of the countries that still offer visas to Syrians. But as descendants of Palestinian refugees in Syria with no formal Syrian or Palestinian citizenship or national passport, our chances to meet were very slim.

Since the moment I left Syria behind, my life has been a litany of moments meant to be shared: I missed my parents at my graduation from my postgraduate program at Columbia University in New York after President Trump imposed a travel ban on visitors from Syria. I missed them at my engagement party; when I moved to my first apartment in Berlin; and on every Ramadan, Eid, Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

WhatsApp helped to create an illusion of contact and closeness. At the beginning, the first thing I saw on my phone in the morning were missed calls from my mother. Then she learned that she could send me voice messages through the app, and they became our morning routine. She would record them while she was having morning coffee with my father, and I would listen to them on my way to German-language school or to work.

We also cherished our video calls, even though the slow internet in Syria would cut them short. But when the ones you love are seen only on the screens of your laptop or phone, they slowly become unreal, like your favorite childhood TV character: very familiar, but imaginary.

In Arabic, we call it “ghurba,” which has an unsatisfying translation of “being a stranger in a foreign land.” It’s trying to cook all your favorite dishes at once, just to reassure yourself that you can bring home back; it’s the long Netflix evening where tea is made in a cup, not the big pot your mother used to keep ready for you; it’s dreading weekends with their empty hours slowly sneaking in on quiet Friday evenings.

Then I heard about a special resettlement program offered by Berlin’s local government that offers a chance – a minuscule one, but a chance nonetheless – for Syrian and Iraqi families to reunite.

Migration has been one of the most divisive topics in Germany and Europe since Chancellor Angela Merkel decided in 2015 to open borders to more than 1 million people escaping war and persecution in the Middle East and beyond. Concerns about migration have fueled far-right parties across the continent and pushed European governments to shut their borders and seal a controversial deal with Turkey to control illegal migration. The number of asylum- seekers in Germany fell 72.5% between 2016, the year the deal was signed, and 2017.

For Syrians, even obtaining a visitor visa to Germany today is difficult because immigration authorities are sceptical that the travellers will return to the war-torn country. There are no government statistics on how many Syrians have been granted a short-stay visa in recent years because the German Foreign Ministry doesn’t record the citizenship of applicants. But in 2019, the German Embassy in Beirut granted only 7,913 short-term visas, which would include all Lebanese applicants in addition to Syrians.

Only minors with “recognized refugee” status have the right to bring their parents and minor siblings to Germany. I was an adult when I applied for asylum five years ago and didn’t qualify for a regular family reunification process.

But if an adult Syrian refugee – or an employed European Union citizen – promises to take care of all financial expenses of a family member, they can reunite in Germany through a special program for Syrian and Iraqi refugees. The resettlement scheme offers two years’ residence, with a work permit and public health insurance for family members.

The program was introduced in 2013 by many German states to resettle families of Syrian refugees whose asylum applications have been approved and already have recognized refugee status in Germany. It’s renewed on an annual basis, and the decision to extend it is made by states’ governments; out of 15 states that offered the program in 2014, only five of them have extended it for 2020.

To be eligible for the program, I had to have a stable job in Germany with long-term employment prospects and a minimum salary to demonstrate that the family member wouldn’t end up being a drain on the system.

With language and skills barriers, meeting those conditions is challenging. In the six years ending in October 2019, only 1,098 people had benefited from the program in the state of Berlin, government data showed. Out of 459 applications submitted in 2019, 173 were approved.

Having a wage of at least of 2,300 euros a month after taxes is among the most challenging conditions.

“It’s is not that easy to earn this amount when one has immigrated here recently,” said Engelhard Mazanke, the head of Berlin’s migration office.

At the beginning of my time in Berlin as an Arabic speaker in a country facing a wave of Arab refugees, I worked with American and German freelance journalists to tell the stories of the newcomers. While translating and talking to people at Berlin’s asylum reception center, I thought that I could tell these stories on my own. But moving from being a “fixer” to a real journalist in a new language and a new country needed much more than I had expected.

It took four years, countless German classes, a master’s degree from an Ivy League school, a few internships and a year-and-half training program until I got a job contract at Reuters and met the program’s conditions.

But one condition was the hardest for me: A choice had to be made.

The Berlin migration official responsible for my case was clear that I must choose between my parents or one of my four siblings for the application. My brothers are still in school in the Syrian city of Homs, so waiting few more years to bring them here made sense. That meant either denying my sisters an opportunity to build a future in Germany or pushing my five-year separation with my parents longer, with no end in sight.

Weeks passed because I couldn’t decide. Then a German friend of mine astounded me with an offer to help.

Pascale Mueller and I had met few years earlier when she needed help translating for a Syrian refugee family for a story for Tagesspiegel newspaper during the 2015 wave of migration. We hadn’t seen each other for more than a year when she said she would act as a guarantor for one of my sisters.

I asked her to take some time before deciding, because the guarantor is financially responsible for the new arrival. If my sister claimed welfare or unemployment benefits, the government would send a bill to Pascale.

“Everyone I spoke with said, ‘I wouldn’t do it,’ but I have a good feeling about this,” Pascale said. A few weeks later we were at Berlin’s migration office signing the papers.

When life decides to give you a break, it makes you feel that the doors that seemed shut might have not been closed in the first place. When another friend of mine, a Briton, heard of Pascale’s unexpected help, he stepped in to guarantee my other sister. We needed to rush through the paperwork before Brexit happened and he was no longer a European Union citizen, but we also had to wait on the pay raise he had been promised. Each delay in Britain’s parliament that pushed its parting from the EU further away gave my sister and me a bigger chance to reunite.

Finally, he was able to sign the papers.

Within weeks, I received an email from the German Embassy in Beirut asking my family for an interview. Because Germany pulled its diplomatic representation in Syria shortly after the uprising there in 2011, Syrians who apply for a German visa must be interviewed in one of the German embassies or consulates in Syria’s neighboring countries. Lebanon was the closest and, theoretically, at least, the easiest to get in.

But like the complicated German sentence structure I have come to know so well, nothing was easy in this process. A simple appointment became a metaphor for the struggles, both bureaucratic and emotional, that the displaced face the world over.

First, my family had to leave Damascus before midnight for an 8: 30 a.m. appointment in Beirut, although the trip only takes 3½ hours by road, because of a complicated entry process for Palestinian-Syrians to Lebanon. Then, at the appointment, they tried to hand over a document they’d been told to bring, but the employee said it wasn’t required.

A few weeks later, the embassy called, asking for that same document. We could either pay a driver a fee that was half my father’s monthly salary as a professor to take it to Lebanon or find someone to take it. We got lucky – the parents of a friend of mine were traveling to the consulate in Lebanon the next day for a visa interview through the same program.

But then our luck ran out again. After waiting a month for word of our application, we were asked to send the passports so “an answer” of yes or no could be stamped on the applications. This time we happily paid for a courier to take them to Beirut.

Then came the next delay: We were told there was a problem with my father’s travel document, but the authorities didn’t say what the problem was, exactly.

We called the embassy more than 100 times, with either no answer or a busy line. I tried a different emergency number dedicated for German citizens and was finally forwarded to someone who could answer my question. It turned out that the problem was my father’s passport photo: The glasses he wore made his face unrecognizable. I understood the argument. But why wasn’t this issue flagged when I had applied for the program with copies of the travel documents, or when my father was interviewed and his documents were checked at the embassy six weeks earlier? Why didn’t the embassy simply phone us, asking for a new travel document?

“Due to the very high number of applications in some cases, not all details relevant for any specific applications may stand out at first glance when first filing the application,” the German Foreign Ministry told me in an email.

Slideshow (2 Images)

We hired a driver, Abu Hisham, to take the passports to the embassy again after my mother received a second call few weeks later. But even that trip was fraught with potential disaster. With an empty car on the way back, he stopped to pick a man on the road, thinking that he needed a ride to Damascus. The man asked to stop for two friends of his, and they robbed Abu Hisham of all his money. But they left a brown envelope in the glove compartment that held the stamped passports.

Finally, more than six months after I applied for their resettlement, my parents were ready to fly to Germany. On a winter evening, I was at Berlin Tegel airport waiting for them to arrive. During normal times, a flight from Beirut to Berlin lands there every other evening, and Syrians are easily recognized at the arrivals’ gate: reunions with excessively arranged bouquets, cute boys dressed in black suits and old men openly crying. Even security guards tear up and smile, although they must have seen the reunion scenes many times.

I cried and cried at my father’s shoulder as he walked off the first flight he had ever taken, at age 59. I cried for all my lonely nights in Berlin, for the years that made him an old man while I became stronger, for our family home that had been pounded to ruins, for the life moments we hadn’t spent together. After five years, we were a family once more.

Reporting by Riham Alkousaa, editing by Kari Howard

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Lonely seniors find connection with rented grandkids and VR vacations

Lonely seniors find connection with rented grandkids and VR vacations

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With MyndVR, seniors can explore everything from fall foliage to European cities in virtual reality. 


MyndVR

Eighty-one-year-old Georgina Schuldt isn’t used to being tied down. After retiring from a career in nursing, Schuldt and her husband lived on a boat for eight years, sailing from Canada to Panama. When they returned, they went camping in the Pacific Northwest every summer. 

But Schuldt’s husband passed away last year. Now she uses a walker, unable to go long distances. She has no interest in getting on a plane or being dependent on someone else to push her in a wheelchair. 

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Despite all of this, Schuldt was recently able to explore a European city — in virtual reality. Her Florida assisted living community owns three headsets from MyndVR, a company that creates VR experiences geared toward people age 65 and up. 

“The first time I tried it I saw a city in Spain. We were right in the city square, and there was a tourist who walked right in front of me! I could’ve touched her,” Schuldt said. “I thought that was wonderful.” 

The day we talked, she had just used the headset to visit a forest full of colorful fall leaves. 

“It takes you out of your own environment and puts you somewhere else,” Schuldt said. “It’s very pleasurable to go back and see things that you love but you can’t get to anymore.” 

Virtual reality is one of many technologies that can be used to reduce loneliness and social isolation in senior citizens, which researchers have called an epidemic in and of itself. 

Nearly one-fourth of adults aged 65 and older are considered socially isolated, according to a 2020 study from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. Research shows older people who report feeling lonely are more likely to face anxiety, depression, suicide, heart disease, stroke and dementia, a risk rivaling smoking, obesity and physical inactivity. 

“If loneliness is persistent and sufficiently severe, it can and does have negative health consequences,” said Dr. Dilip Jeste, the senior associate dean for healthy aging and senior care and a distinguished professor of psychiatry and neuroscience at the University of California, San Diego. 

The good news? You can make changes to avoid these outcomes, Jeste said. And technology may be one piece of a broader puzzle that gives America’s growing population of seniors a more connected and healthy life. 

A three-hour (virtual) tour

Virtual reality companies focusing exclusively on seniors are finding their way into senior living communities, aiming to provide an escape from the doldrums of everyday life or point of connection with family members. 

Even if seniors live in a community surrounded by others, they may still slowly withdraw and become isolated, MyndVR CEO Chris Brickler said. “As their stimulus diminishes due to age and disease, we have to find other ways to keep them stimulated and engaged,” he said.

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MyndVR

MyndVR’s headset and platform streams more than 200 virtual travel, recreation, music and arts experiences for older adults living in senior communities or at home. These experiences can act as reminiscence therapy by helping them remember parts of their past or as engagement therapy by connecting them with others in their community or family, Brickler said. 

“We see families that are locked into the same conversations week after week, slowly making their visits mind-numbing,” he added. 

Having something new to do together can add some new energy into visits and give seniors a chance to have more substantive conversations, he said. 

Traditional therapy typically costs between $100 and $200 per session. A single-user license for MyndVR’s platform is less than $1,000 per year, while a multiuser license for community packages average around $5,000 per year, Brickler said. The cost includes the hardware, the library of VR content, and customer and technical support. MyndVR now has tens of thousands of users across 40 states, he added. 

Read more: How families are giving a fantastic trip to loved ones in hospice

Beyond Zoom: Virtual meeting spaces

Some companies, like AARP Innovation Labs, are using VR to keep the elderly connected to their families for a slightly lower cost.

Its latest product is Alcove, a virtual reality house where seniors can meet up with relatives to talk, play games and explore different experiences.

VR offers a sense of presence and immersion that other technologies don’t, said Cezara Windrem, head of VR at AARP Innovation Labs and product lead for Alcove. “It could allow families to come together, overcoming cost, time and mobility constraints,” Windrem said.

AARP Innovation Labs built Alcove in partnership with Rendever, a startup that creates VR experiences for senior living communities. It launched a first version 2019, which is available free on the Oculus Go platform (and will come to Oculus Quest too later this summer). 

Seniors can invite up to four people at a time to join them in a fully immersive virtual chalet in the mountains, surrounded by trees and grass. Explore four different rooms, and even decorate the home with their own photos. 

alcove-travel-room

AlcoveVR from AARP Innovation Labs lets elderly people hang out with their families in a virtual house.


AARP Innovation Labs

The app offers a guided tour of Paris together, practice meditation, or play checkers or chess. You can take older relatives on real-world adventures. It’s free to download and use right now (provided you have an Oculus Go VR headset, which costs $149), with no advertisements. But as more content is added, the company may consider a micro-transactions system for premium VR experiences, so you might pay a few dollars for a top-tier tour.

The virtual element may make hanging out with grandma more attractive to younger people, who can find a connection with them in this new medium, Windrem said. 

“We know how much the young generations are attracted to this new technology,” she said. “It’s wonderful having them find a connection through this new medium and be able to share their love for it with older family members but on their own terms through experiences that everyone can relate to.” 

Family on demand

But what about the elderly who require physical assistance that virtual reality can’t provide — like help with grocery shopping or tasks around the house?

For seniors, one option is Papa, a service that provides “family on demand” to older adults by pairing them with “Papa Pals.” College students who can provide companionship and assistance on tasks like grocery shopping and driving. Plus, those students get paid.

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Papa is a service that connects seniors with college students who can provide companionship and help with tasks like grocery shopping.


Papa

CEO Andrew Parker was inspired to create Papa by his grandfather, who needed help but was isolated. He didn’t drive, but also didn’t require traditional home care services. Papa launched in 2018 and is now available in 25 states and counting. The company has more than 7,000 Papa Pals on the platform, Parker said. 

A majority of members receive Papa as a free benefit via insurance carriers or Medicare Advantage programs. Papa Pals have to go through a background check and vetting process. Fewer than 10% of those who apply are hired, Parker said. But they can make between $12 to $16 an hour, depending on what kind of tasks they are doing. The company is opening applications up beyond college students now, partially because unemployment levels have risen so much as a result of COVID-19.

The company typically signs people up for visits from Papa Pals once or twice a week. Tasks include everything from grocery shopping to driving to doctor appointments to teaching them how to set up technology. One member asked a Papa Pal to accompany her to a wedding, because she didn’t want to be a burden on her family. Another, a former Tour de France competitor, asked his Pal to take him on a bike ride — and quickly outpaced his college-age companion, Parker said. 

Those visits look different now because of coronavirus. Papa Pals are helping with contactless grocery deliveries. And most companionship visits have moved to phone calls or video chats. 

“We’re teaching older adults how to use technology in a way that they probably weren’t willing to do generally before,” Parker said. “The stigma of being alone is less of an issue now that the whole world is isolated.” 

Curing loneliness

Despite the tech industry’s best efforts, there’s no single research-backed cure for loneliness, Jeste said. The solution has to be multi-dimensional and include physical activity, exercise and social connections. Technology can help, but it won’t solve the problem alone, he added. 

“The technology industry has traditionally focused on younger people,” Jeste said. “Older people don’t want something that is cool with a thousand applications. They want something really simple. We need technology that is senior-friendly.” 

Back in Florida, Schuldt agrees. The simplicity of the VR platform was a major factor in why she enjoyed the experience so much, she said. “You just stick it on your head,” Schuldt said. “You don’t have to learn a whole bunch of tricks to get it to go.”

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